Oh goodness. I haven't been sleeping well. Mostly I lie in bed imagining things - both good and bad. I imagine being a mother and waking in the middle of the night for feedings. I imagine where I would put a bassinet. How I would arrange the nursery. What I would make for dinner. (Would I have one of those picky kids, or one that will eat anything?) I imagine adoption. I imagine childbirth. I am trying to grasp what it is I truly want and the best way to get there. I am trying to see if I can make everything work in my brain.
I read infertility/pregnancy blogs and wonder if I should give it a try. I read adoption blogs and think the same thing. I feel like I am waiting for a sign from god, to tell me what to do. But, I don't believe in a god that does such things, so I am not quite sure what I am waiting for.
I am applying for a job that I am hoping to get. This job could lead to great opportunities to me. Even the chance of doing what I have always dreamed of doing. This may be my golden ticket. I am cautiously optimistic. But, boy howdy, do I want this job! In time, this job may allow me to be a Work-At-Home-Mom. So I imagine that also, what my future may be. How I could actually get everything I've ever wanted. It is scary and wonderful. But it is keeping me up at night. To deal with my lack of sleep, I just keep reminding myself that I will be so ready for the whole sleep-deprived-mom thing when it comes.
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