me write pretty

I got the Golden Ticket job. I started this week. It is wonderful. It is weird to have such a stress-free job. To be surrounded by hardworking, non-stresses people. I am only working 30 hours, which means I go in at nine and leave at four. I get to sleep in!

Next week R and I will start our daily treks to the gym. We went to an orientation last week and the personal trainer showed us how all the weight machines worked and set us up with a schedule. I have an OB/GYN appt next week to discuss the next steps in treating the PCOS and possible endometriosis. And to find out when we can begin TTC. I am terrified of trying. I am working on a post about why. It is just so scary.

Ok, the second basketball game is about to start. I have no idea who I am routing for. I am excited about Monday's game though. Go Gators!

(I only like Gators basketball. I hate their football program.)

Dreams and Reality

I have been dreaming of babies/pregnancy/miscarriages almost every night for the past week. Last night I had two baby-related dreams. The first one was about miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant and losing the baby. But my husband didn't believe me. No one believed me. But I was in so much pain. I wanted to see the doctor, but her office was closed. (Did not think to go to emergency room.) People kept asking me to do things for them (at work, or calling me at home) and I would say no, but they would continue asking until I would have to tell them, I am sorry, but I am currently having a miscarriage, so I can't. I wanted to crawl into a corner, and let my body be, and grieve. But people kept approaching me with constant demands. Finally I woke up, exhausted.

In the next dream, there had been a hurricane and I was at a hospital, which was serving as a post-hurricane shelter. There were a lot of people there, but they were outside, because all the generating power was being used to keep medical machines running, so there was no air conditioning and it was hot. Anyway, I was sitting with a bunch of people in front of the hospital, under some trees, by a river. A woman walked up with a brand-new baby. It was a little boy, literally born hours before. The mother, a very young woman, was in the hospital resting, but had asked this woman to hold the baby and take care of him because there were no nurses available. The lady had to go, so she handed the baby to me. I swaddled him tight and walked him around for a long time. He slept and I sang to him and basically fell in love with him. But I realized he needed to be changed and fed, so I decided to go into the hospital to find his mom. In the hospital, it was pure chaos. I was trying to find someone to help me, but no one would. I was growing increasingly worried about the baby, because I felt he was getting dehydrated and needed fresh clothes. No one would help me. I was worried because he did not have an i.d. bracelet on, but I had a copy of some papers with his mom's name on it. I was worried she had just walked away. Or that the lady who handed me the baby was lying. I didn't want to get in trouble for having the baby, but I couldn't find the mom, and I really just wanted to walk away myself, go get some formula and diapers and keep the baby as mine. I was starting to panic when I woke up.

And now I feel very sad. My sister left today, but on Friday we went shopping so that she could buy stuff for her friend's baby shower. At first I was fine. Baby stuff is cute. But suddenly, on aisle 5 of target, I was surrounded by pregnant women. And women with infants. My sister loves shopping and buying baby crap, so she kept asking me when I was going to have a baby. (My family is really good with denial. If we pretend that everything is ok, then it is. So, if my sister treats me like a normal, healthy, reproductive female, then I will be one.) I had no answer. What do you say? Uh, well, when my insulin, my one ovary, my uterine lining, my eggs and Rs sperm all decide to get on the same page, then magically a baby will spring forth from my vagina. Hooray! Or, how about never.

You see, my sister and I have an interesting dynamic when it comes to fertility. About three months after my surgery, my sister had an unplanned pregnancy which ended in abortion. When she told me she was pregnant, I almost vomited. I didn't question her reasons for terminating (although, I did ask her to seriously consider adoption - not to us, but in general). I understood. But, I was hurt. This was a big joke, right? Some kind of Shakespearean tragedy? And I felt selfish, because I wished she had never told me. I wanted to be there for her, but I didn't want to know for my own sanity.

So, on Friday, after the third time she asked me when I was having a baby, I told her that she could have a baby herself, if she wanted to buy stuff for one so badly. She then said that she would have a baby and give it to me. I wanted to smack her. I wanted to tell her that she missed her chance already. I wanted to tell her that this was serious to me. That a baby wasn't about buying cute little clothes. That she had no clue what she was saying or what it meant. But, instead I showed her a cute bib.

I feel guilty about my anger towards her. I know her decision was painful. I can acknowledge that. I just don't know how to feel about all of this. I am one of those people who secretly stows away small trinkets for my future children. I have all of my special childhood items and some new baby outfits hidden away for someday. I just don't know how I will ever get to someday.

Keeping

I am cleaning house today in preparation of my sister's arrival. Tomorrow when she arrives she will take a nap and then we will go to the Golden Ticket job-place so that I can get my drug testing, background check, and picture ID done. Then we will go shopping. My sister lives in Key West. Which surprisingly, has little to offer as far as shopping goes, with the exception of some high-end stores. There is no Target, my friends. There is no Walmart either, but we don't shop at Walmart, so that doesn't particularly matter. Whenever my sister comes to town we go on a shopping and eating binge. There are not a lot of cheap, good, restaurants there, unless you like seafood, which my sister does not. So we eat at restaurants for every meal. Luckily my sister is on Weight Watchers this time, so we will hopefully show some restraint. And on Saturday, we are going with my best friend M to get fitted for her wedding dress alterations.  This will, of course, put me in a panic about losing the 4 inches I must lose to fit in the stupid lovely Ver@ W@ng dress I am wearing in 2 months. Oi vey.

And in other news, I joined a gym so that I can lose 4 inches in 2 months. Ugh.

It is a lovely dress by the way. I am just going to look hideous in it, that's all.

I think I got the golden ticket job. The boss guy has to confirm the hours with another department and will call me tomorrow. I am mucho excited.

Finding my place

So, I quit the job I just got. It only took me 4 hours to realize it wasn't for me. It wasn't the job - that part was easy. It was the boss. He never smiled. Or laughed. He wasn't even slightly friendly. It was a small small business (8 employees) and he watched everyone like a hawk. All mail/fax/phone/email messages came through him. I know three things for sure 1) I do not work well under control freaks, 2) I will never work for another weirdo person whose staff tiptoes around him trying their best to do the bizarro things that he requests, even if they make no sense or are detrimental to the business, 3) I will never again work someplace where I am not doing something I love or that makes me happy. Life is too short for that. I believe that as long as you're happy then money doesn't matter. This job paid really well. But, today I have a follow up interview with the Golden Ticket Job, which doesn't pay as much, but is my dream job, and offers more flexible hours. I hope to knock their socks off. And the other non-profit has called for a second interview. So, I still have options. I felt bad about leaving this job after one half day, but I told them to consider it a "working interview" and not to pay me. And I gave them the name of a great job placement person at the local college who I have worked with before. Hopefully they will fill their spot. In the mean time, I am still looking for mine. 

Like I need more drama.

So it occured to me that if my mother has been lying to my family for years about my behavior, perhaps she had lied to me about theirs. In particular, I am concerned about the truth behind my mother's portrayal of my biological father. My mom and bio dad divorced when I was three and I have not seen him, or any of his family members since I was four. Throughout my life, we kept in touch with my paternal grandmother through letters, but that was our only contact. My mom spent much of my life alluding to my father's terrible behavior, temper, drunkeness, etc. What if all of this was also embellished by my mom's drama queen mind? I know nothing for sure, it appears.

I have no clue what my next step is. But I will be discussing this with my sister when she comes next week. My sister has had contact with our dad. She has confirmed that he is a loser. I guess we need to determine if we want to hear his side of the story. Ugh. I hate crap like this.

So I got a job after only two weeks of unemployment. It is not the Golden Ticket job, as that company has not called yet. But this one isn't so bad, and if the Golden Ticket people call, I will definitely interview with them and hope that they love me. But if not, its ok, because I've got something. And the pay is decent.

In other news, the unexplained pain is back. Well, the pain diagnosed as "nerve entrapment" is back. I was pain-free for about 1 week and then yesterday it just exploded. Ugh. My insides are so defective.

On the baby front, I cried talked to R a couple nights ago about his lack of commitment to any particular family-making plan. He was very understanding and we agreed to have more open conversations about it. I have a couple things I need to work on too before we start either the adoption process or the TTC process. In addition to my health (I have got to lose some weight, no matter what family-making route I choose) I have got to come to an understanding in regards to my mom and my extended family.

I haven't gone into detail about this here, but my mom and I are in a very, very bad place right now. Basically, I don't trust her. And, she has shown time and time again that I have no reason to trust her. The latest reason? My mom has been telling my family (aunt, uncles, grandparents) entirely inaccurate information about my life. I correspond with my grandparents by email, so occasionally I'll tell them if I made Dean's List or something like that, but I just assumed that my mother was proud of me when I did something good (promotion, scholarship etc) and that she would share the good news. Turns out I was wrong.

My aunt thinks I am a drug-using, high school drop-out. You could have used that description for me 9 years ago. But I have been putting myself through college for the past two years, and supporting myself without any financial assistance from anyone, let alone my family since I was 19 (my step-dad helped me out when I was 17-18). I don't do drugs. I have had great jobs. Gotten promotions. Rolled out big projects. Helped my mom with many of her big projects. Gotten scholarships. Paid off all my debt. Maintained a 3.76 GPA. And yet, no one knows any of this.

I guess this is partly my fault, because I have maintained many of my relationships with my extended family through my mother. But, they live very far away, and I don't have the money to travel and she does, so she sees them more often. Apparently it is more fun to bitch about me than boast about me, so that's what she does. And they believe her. Even though her complaints are either made-up, distorted, or very old. Because of my mom's rantings, my family doesn't like me, but they have been way to polite to say anything to me directly. Well, until recently, when my aunt called me after I had an argument with my mom. And it became very clear exactly how everyone feels about me. And I had no clue.

I am not sure what to do. Do I defend myself? I tried that with my aunt, but she took it as a direct threat to my mom. Do I ignore it and continue to plead ignorance? Do I call my mom out? Do I tell them all to fuck off? Ugh. Is this family of mine even worth it?

Bleh.

Tomorrow I have two job interviews. One is in my current realm of study (which although I find very interesting, I am not sure that I am going to make a career out of it) and the other is an office-type job for a very good local non-profit organization. Next week I have an interview for another office-type job for a new company in town. (new to our town, but a national company) I have not heard back from Golden Ticket Job yet, but I am hoping I can meet with them before I have to give any of these people a yes or no answer.

We are still working on losing weight, but I need to add exercise in. I weighed myself this morning, but I don't remember what I weighed, but I know it was up from yesterday. I am considering going back on the Glucophage in hopes that it will help me lose weight. I guess I need to talk to my dr about that first.

I am frustrated by so many things lately. I am behind on school work. I am anxious about finding a new job. My house is a mess. My sleep patterns are terrible. My husband will not commit to any sort of decision about babies/adoption. Nor will he speak to our landlord about purchasing our house, which we have gone back and forth on for years now. (The landlord offered to sell the house to us, we just have to negotiate the price and terms with him.) I have got to lose weight to fit in a Very Expesive Bridesmaid's Dress in about 12 weeks. A bridesmaid's dress that was ordered in the largest size possible, but was still too small for me. I've got a wedding shower to plan, with no help from anyone because all of the other bridesmaids live far away.

What's a girl to do?

Insomnia

Oh goodness. I haven't been sleeping well. Mostly I lie in bed imagining things - both good and bad. I imagine being a mother and waking in the middle of the night for feedings. I imagine where I would put a bassinet. How I would arrange the nursery. What I would make for dinner. (Would I have one of those picky kids, or one that will eat anything?) I imagine adoption. I imagine childbirth. I am trying to grasp what it is I truly want and the best way to get there. I am trying to see if I can make everything work in my brain.

I read infertility/pregnancy blogs and wonder if I should give it a try. I read adoption blogs and think the same thing. I feel like I am waiting for a sign from god, to tell me what to do. But, I don't believe in a god that does such things, so I am not quite sure what I am waiting for.

I am applying for a job that I am hoping to get. This job could lead to great opportunities to me. Even the chance of doing what I have always dreamed of doing. This may be my golden ticket. I am cautiously optimistic. But, boy howdy, do I want this job! In time, this job may allow me to be a Work-At-Home-Mom. So I imagine that also, what my future may be. How I could actually get everything I've ever wanted. It is scary and wonderful. But it is keeping me up at night. To deal with my lack of sleep, I just keep reminding myself that I will be so ready for the whole sleep-deprived-mom thing when it comes. 

4 out of 14 ain't bad

My South Beach Phase One experiment lasted 4 days. I was hungry and cranky. And I needed food that I liked. So, on the night of our 4th day, we went to our favorite middle eastern place and I had hummus, tabbouleh, grilled chicken and 3/4 of a piece of pita. It was one of the best meals I have ever eaten. I was a little worried stepping on the scale the next morning, but alas, it showed a total loss of 7.5 pounds. Not bad.

I have decided to move into Phase Two, but I am not going to strictly follow the rules. I am trying to limit sugar and white carbs, and to match high glycemic index foods with low ones. Additionally, I am going to try to eat most of my carbs in the morning and afternoon and eat low/no carb dinners. This morning my weight was up one pound, so we will have to see where I level out on Tuesday, which will be my official weekly weigh-in. We also went for a walk yesterday, which was nice, but not necessarily high impact cardio.

I was supposed to go to church today. R and I wanted to hear this particular sermon and we told a friend (B) about it. B was very interested in attending also, but when I talked to him yesterday evening, he was not sure what he would do, as he had not convinced his fiance to attend yet. I told him if he came, we would see him there. We woke up very late this morning, and I was very tired, having not fallen asleep until 4:00 a.m. or so (again) and we decided not to go. I decided not to call B because I wasn't sure if he was going or not. (And if they weren't, it was most likely because B's fiance wanted to sleep in after working a long shift - so I didn't want to call and wake her up.) Well, B and his fiance did indeed decide to go and left us a voicemail afterwords, pissed off because we weren't there. Since we hadn't made any particular plans with him, I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. Also, none of us belong to this church, so it is not like we should be some kind of welcoming committee. And I know the congregation is very welcoming to visitors, so I feel like they were in good hands. I didn't call him back because I got the message late, but I will have to talk to him tomorrow.  Eh. I am not very good at this socializing thing.